Ditz

Issue date: 12/6/07 Section: Outside the Bubble

Personal Essay - Anonymous

A freshman in high school I was 15 years old, and so naive. My friends Lisa*, Michelle* and I had planned our first spring break together in San Diego, California.

We were too young to drive, too young to travel by ourselves, and knowingly too young to be left alone. We drove cross country with my Michelle's parents, her older brother and his college friends in three separate cars. The memories I have from that vacation are ones I don't think I could ever forgive myself for.

We were too young to drive, too young to travel by ourselves, and knowingly too young to be left alone. We drove cross country with Michelle's parents, her older brother and his college friends in three separate cars.

We stayed in a two-flat, Michelle's family and us on the top floor and the boys on the bottom. Michelle's parents were strict but we were, for the most part, free to do what we wanted. We stayed at the beach during the day, shopped all afternoon and (secretively) went to a 15 and older nightclub down the street-we were on top of the world and finally a part of that spring break culture.

The third day we were there, Michelle's parents decided to go to a museum and left us alone at the beach house. We were soaking up the sun per usual, when her brother's friends came out to join us. There was one guy, Morgan, who intrigued me from the moment we got there. He was the hot, older guy I wanted to talk to but felt too shy to speak around him. About an hour into our tanning session, Michelle's brother decided to leave to visit a friend who was on spring break nearby. We stayed with the guys, hung out and played Frisbee on the beach. As we were getting ready to head upstairs, they invited us to go to their part of the house and drink. Good looking college guys asking us youngins to party? We didn't think twice. We went into the house and plopped on the couch in front of the TV. They made us drinks, and we, again, didn't think twice.

The time lapse of that late afternoon is a distant memory. I remember drinking Absolut mandarin vodka (which I have not touched since), watching some of the guys smoke a bowl (which I had never witnessed before), and playing videogames with Lisa and Michelle. After that, I remember going to the bathroom and coming out to see Michelle sleeping on one of the beds. I claimed the bed next to her and passed out as well. From that moment on, I remember going in and out of consciousness.

I remember Morgan, the guy I had the mini-crush on, standing next to my bed asking if I was okay. I told him I would be, requested a trash can next to me just in case, and I asked about Lisa and Michelle. He told me Michelle was asleep on the bed next to me and Lisa had gone upstairs to take a shower. The next time I remember waking up, my shorts and bathing suit bottoms were off, and Morgan was over me spreading my legs and saying "open up, open up." I fell back asleep. The next time I woke up to him pushing his penis towards my face and holding my head saying "suck me off."

At that moment I glanced past him and saw the other guys as bystanders just watching. I remember feeling physical pain and helplessness. The next thing I remember is Lisa helping me out of bed and asking me where my clothes were. I told her that I didn't know and immediately asked if Michelle was okay. Lisa told me she had already gone upstairs but came down to get me because her parents called to say they were almost home.

I was still drunk when I stumbled up the stairs and fell straight to the bed that was in our room. I slept for a good hour more while they showered and got ready to go see a movie. When they woke me up and questioned me about what happened downstairs I ran straight to the bathroom, turned the shower on and sat down in the tub sobbing.

A million scenes and questions were running through my mind-full of regret and humiliation. I had quick flashbacks of what happened and couldn't get the image out of my head. When I finally got out of the bathroom they questioned me again. I realized they were genuinely concerned and scared for me but I stood there dumbfounded and couldn't say a word.

The next few days were miserable. I admitted to my friends that I was scared and nervous to see Morgan over the next few days and asked to avoid him. For the most part we did, until the car ride home. Out of the three cars that we could have been divided into, we ended up in the same one. Michelle and Lisa were with me, and at every rest stop encouraged me to confront him-finally I did. Toward the end of our 15 minute breaks I pulled him aside. I could tell he was reluctant to talk to me, but I mucked up the confidence to ask him about what happened that afternoon. He quickly said he didn't know what I was talking about, blew me off, and told me we were getting ready to leave. I grew so much anger and hatred towards him at that rest stop, and then convinced myself that it was my fault.

After that spring break, Lisa and I never once talked about what happened that afternoon. I was reluctant to bring it up to anyone, and the images in my mind could never come out of my mouth. As time went on I became more and more comfortable confiding in Michelle. We sat down and talked about what I remembered and what I didn't, and we talked about if he wore a condom, if I could be pregnant, and the possibility of having an STD. Prior to us talking, those thoughts hadn't even crossed my mind; I was still trying to register what happened. To this day I am very thankful to her starting and continuing the conversation with me even years later-it is true friendship at its highest.

I never confided in my parents and few other people know about my experience. It took me a long time before I even admitted that it was rape. I blamed myself (and sometimes still do) for what happened because I was attracted to Morgan, I wished that he liked me, and I chose to drink. To this day I still have a hard time talking about my experience in person, and I sometimes blow it off as not being important or a big deal. But I also don't understand and feel hurt when people make light of rape. I don't like to be the sap story, but why do so many people use the term "rape" loosely like "getting raped by homework" or "I got raped by that test"? What? How? Why? I don't get it, I don't like it, and I don't think it's fair.

I never reported what happened to the police, and I never sought counseling. I felt too guilty and ashamed and thought that too much time had passed by the time I finally built up confidence to go. But in turn, I have recognized changes in myself since that experience: I grew up quickly and alone. I didn't spend time investing in friendship and relationships outside of my comfort zone. I didn't drink as much as most of my friends did in high school, and the only setting I deemed acceptable was when I was with my best friends or boyfriend where I felt safe. I have also developed horrible trust issues and tend to cut myself off from people and become silent when I am unhappy or uncomfortable-I deal with my emotions on my own, on my own terms. Whether that is good or bad is questionable but I don't know how to go about changing it.

I know I am one of (unfortunately) many stories out there, but I wanted to share my thoughts about the importance of friendship. I would never blame Lisa for going upstairs, and I would never hold Michelle responsible for sleeping through what happened. But the most important lesson I learned from my experience is the importance of sticking together. You've heard it for years and you read about it all the time, but remember to watch your drinks, remember to be safe, and please watch out for each other.

* Names and location have been changes to protect the author's privacy.

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How to Handle Sexual Assault - Emily Warren

At 2:30 a.m. on most school nights, I am in a deep, comfortable sleep. But when I am on shift, working the crisis hotline for one of Los Angeles' Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence crisis centers, it is more of an agitated half-sleep. On one such night around that time, I was quasi-comatose when my phone rang. When I heard its familiar ring, my body awoke straight away as my mind and consciousness struggled behind.

On a random Tuesday, the operator greeted me with his normal gruff, "I've got a caller for you." I heard a click and the familiar second of static before saying, "Crisis Line, this is Emily, how may I help you?" The man's voice was shaky and scared, but I could tell he was trying to be as logical and rational as possible. "I just got home and found my house-mate. She's passed out. We can't wake her up, and I think she's been raped."

What do you do when this happens, and equally important, what do you not do when someone you know, care about, or love is sexually assaulted? While there is not one right thing to say or do, there are crucial things to keep in mind. The most important may be that there is no right way to deal with a sexual assault. Every reaction imaginable is an acceptable one, no matter how crazy it seems to the observer. Numbness, hysteria, denial, and laughter are all "right" in the face of such profound trauma.

With that comes the idea that the word "should" should be avoided. Well-intentioned advice and comfort and phrases like "you should do this" or "you shouldn't feel that" not only alienate the person, but also suggests that they are not even able to handle the assault correctly. 'Should's can also feed the idea that if they had done something differently, it wouldn't have happened, placing the responsibility squarely on their shoulders rather than the perpetrators.

After working on the hotline for a year and about 160 hours of training and continuing education, one of the things I have learned is that many survivors cannot hear, "it is not your fault" or "you did nothing to deserve this" enough. They will almost certainly get negative feed-back from others, and these deeply engrained cultural myths often block appropriate responses and support for survivors. Additionally, simply listening is one of the best things a friend or significant other can do. Without judgments or assigning blame, simply being there is one of the most powerful tools for recovery.

In order to help survivors cope and establish the sense of control that was lost during an attack, it is imperative that the survivor determine for her or himself how they want to move forward. That means that if they say they don't want to report it to the police or have a rape kit done, this is the victim's right. What's crucial is their empowerment, not your opinion. The victim is the expert on how they feel and what they need to do, and making these decisions and being able to vocalize them to a non-judgmental friend can make a huge difference in recovery. Being there for support is more important and beneficial than making decisions on their behalf.

There is counseling available free of charge at many places in Los Angeles. It is important to know that this is not only for the survivors themselves but also for significant others including friends, roommates, parents, and partners. It can be traumatic for friends of people dealing with a sexual assault as well as the survivors themselves-hearing about it can be emotionally draining and exhausting. Self-care is one of the best things you can do in order to avoid burning out and becoming less supportive.

When someone comes to you after an assault has happened, whether it was yesterday or 15 years ago, keep in mind that there is no timeline for recovery. Many of the people that I talk to on the hotline discuss the feeling that they should just get over it, that "it wasn't that big of a deal" or that they think their friends or family just wish they would stop thinking about it. While it may seem helpful for them to forget, this often makes the process of recovery longer and harder. It is normally more for your benefit than theirs that you want them to forget. If someone talks about rape, the listener is forced to deal with the fact that it can happen to anyone. If talking about the assault is traumatic for you, which it often is, you can also talk to someone about it-just be sure to keep the survivor's confidentiality in mind. Hotlines can be a great way to remain anonymous.

Some of the calls that I remember most from working on the hotline are the calls of concerned friends, parents and partners, wanting to be there in the best possible way but not knowing what to do or how to do it. When someone does have a loving support system, the feelings of isolation and general craziness are more manageable, and the survivor is able to cope in the way that is best for her or him.

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