Ditz

Issue date: 4/28/08 Section: Viewpoints

"50 Things Guys Wish You Knew." "Be a Sex Genius." "Little Mouth Moves That Make Sex Hotter." Sounds good, right? Wrong. These are only three of the articles featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan in the recent April issue, along with beauty advice and the secret inner lives of celebrities. Although everyone could use some advice on sex, one of the most elusive aspects of human life, why do women so often take advice from magazines riddled with consumer propaganda and guidance based in little to no fact?

When recently talking with an friend, I asked why he thought it was that women seemed to rely so much on magazine columns entitled "Be a Sex Genius," rather than their own intuition. He had no answer, but this poignant response: it makes no sense to get advice about what men want from other women. If you really want to know, he suggested, why not just ask? So let's talk about sex. Let's stop reading about it, and let's talk about it.

Magazines targeting women only deal with a very narrow-minded view of what is sexy, who is sexy, and furthermore, what sex is. The magazines not only ignore but reject sexual relationships outside the heterosexual normative. In the article "50 Things Guys Wish You Knew," the 34th item is "Close-cropped hair. Cut upper-arm muscles. Stubble on your legs. Some women can get away with these attributes, but most of the time they remind me of a guy's body. So if I see them on a girl, I'm completely turned off." The homophobic undertones are undeniable. Not only is heterosexuality glorified, but a gendered dichotomy is also being reinforced to an obscene degree. The third thing "every" man wants women to know is, according to one man, "Making me ask a man for directions is like my telling you to ask another woman for fashion advice." Gender roles flood the pages, and even though this is an opinion of one man, it is featured as one of the top 50 things every girl needs to know.

What women need to know is that this is bad advice. More importantly, that it is not only unsupported, but entirely biased. While Cosmo boasts one hundred men polled for the survey, it is neither expansive nor legitimately diverse. Hand picked responses and articles perpetuate twisted ideals and leave much to be desired not only by women, but by their partners, both male and female.

Not only do magazines like Cosmopolitan provide vapid data and poor advice, but they reinforce male dominance and the deprecation of the female body. Even Cosmo, which feigns to be sexually empowering for women, only reinforces female insecurities, both sexually and emotionally. It would seem to me that a magazine designed for women would focus on female pleasure, but the majority of articles have subtitles like, "These supercreative, supernaughty passion poses will double his pleasure-and yours, too." Female sexual pleasure is thus an afterthought, secondary to the desires of their male partners.

Additionally, the focus is not on how to feel sexy, but how to look sexy. The male gaze floods the pages of these magazines, and we buy into it, literally, at around $3.95 an issue. In an article titled "Gender Socialization in Girls' Teen Magazines," M. G. Durham claims that such publications "reinforced an underlying value that the road to happiness is attracting males for successful heterosexual life by way of physical beautification." So we pour over the pages of beautiful women in the seeming throws of sexual passion without once stopping to evaluate the reality of our own sexualities. Sure, new sex tips are great, but what good is a new technique if you don't know yourself, your body, or your partner's?

If you really want to know about sex, talk to Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist with a comprehensive and refreshing understanding of sexuality. He recently published a book called He Comes Next: A Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man, a sequel to She Comes First, a book on women's sexuality. Both books have received high acclaim, and as someone who has read both, I would recommend them to each and every reader of this article. In fact, I would recommend them to each and every person who has ever had or thought about having any sort of sexual relations. Kerner's books go beyond the tips and tactics of sexual pleasure and dives deeper into the psychological and physiological aspects of sex and human interaction. He believes that magazines reduce the art of male seduction to "tricks, smoke and mirrors…thigh-high stockings, mechanical devices, a signature blow-job technique, or a 'spicy' new position…" Not only does he evaluate the body, brain and mind of men, but he also has an entire section devoted to the art of fellatio. But before you get to that section, he requires you to pass a test involving a few of the questions posted below:

- What's the best sex toy money can't buy?
- Name the three types of erections all men experience.
- What is the difference between orgasm and ejaculation, and are the two inextricably linked?

While Kerner's book is enlightening, the quickest way to get advice on your sex life is to talk about it with your partner. Communication is not only healthy, but essential. The only way to know what works and what your partner wants is to ask. So talk. Talk about sex. If you only read about it in magazines like Cosmopolitan, I can safely assume that you will walk away with little to no helpful or healthful advice. The articles leave women as passive receivers of male attention while setting aside their own desires and development in an effort to please their mates.

I want to make it very clear that I am just as guilty of perusing Cosmo as the next girl. That is why I am writing this article. I urge every woman who has ever bought Cosmopolitan to carefully read the articles next time you flip its pages. Looking at it from an analytical perspective, the patriarchal limitations are irrefutable. What's more, from month to month the article variation is only found in the slight change of titles. Every month, magazine shelves are lined with catch phrases barely different than the cover to the right or left. Most of us are guilty of reading them. Unfortunately, our own insecurities eat away at our sexual confidence to the point of lock up, so we look to sex magazines for guidance. My hope is that this gives some insight into the repercussions of the bad advice she (and he) is getting from magazines. So before you reach for the next issue of Cosmopolitan, take a minute to stop and ask yourself if the vapid advice and complicated positions are worth your five dollars-communication isn't just healthy, it's free!