Dating Up, Dating Down
How to Decide Where Love Goes After Graduation
Julian Elam
Issue date: 3/5/10 Section: Outside the Bubble
Commencement! That almost mythical rite through which we are said to pass on to another, higher plane: the real world promised to us throughout our early years and sxpoken of in hushed, reverent and fearful hymns. When all the mortarboards are cast, they say we enter the realm of the real, a place where life actually happens and everything we've ever seen in dreams is birthed into existence.
Scarcely have the seats in the auditorium emptied before we realize that the rhetoric surrounding graduation is perhaps a tad utopian. The daydreams of walking into a job and an apartment the day after graduation are shattered and we have to start focusing on the realities of searching for the things we always assumed would just fall into our laps.
But while we're striving to reach these concrete goals, less tangible changes are taking place in the way we perceive the people around us and ourselves. One such change that has recently evolved into a pop culture phenomenon is age disparity in romantic relationships.
Thrown out of the dorms and into a work environment, graduates encounter potential partners that span a far wider spectrum of ages than they're used to dating. Those who find themselves involved with significantly older partners often face intense scrutiny from their peers and colleagues. Admittedly, it can be startling to learn of a romantic connection between individuals who are generations apart, but are such relationships morally reprehensible? Historical and current social trends say no.
Age disparity has long been a relatively common characteristic of romances spanning across many centuries and cultures. Queen Elizabeth I courted the Earl of Essex when she was 53 and he was only 26. In his twenties, Napoleon fell in love with Josephine, a woman six years his elder. These disparities are not limited to heterosexual relationships. In ancient Greece, for example, the homosexual practice of pederasty was widely accepted. Greek pederasty was a unique relationship that was both sexual and pedagogical in nature, with older male teachers engaging younger men in intellectual and erotic activities.
In the modern era, these age-gap relationships abound. Famous couples such as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (an age difference of 15 years), Billy Joel and Katie Lee Joel (32 years), Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas (25 years) and Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (22 years) have helped solidify the age-gap relationship as a conventional social fixture. In fact, significant age differences in romantic endeavors have become almost chic.
"Prescribing a formula for acceptable age difference is impossible and unnecessarily pragmatic; the most important criterion is to find an organic connection with another human being."
For evidence, one need look no further than the recent entry of the word "cougar" into the popular vernacular, as well as the corresponding boom in "cougar conventions," where older women congregate to celebrate what CougarConvention.com calls the "not-done-at-40 lifestyle." Indeed, according to the National Association of Retired Persons, nearly one-third of women between the ages of 40 and 60 are dating younger men.
When surveyed for this article, current university students and recent graduates did not agree on what constitutes an appropriate age difference in romantic relationships, but all agreed that some form of an age-gap is acceptable.
"Age differences of more than a couple years even through college is a little weird," says Luke,* a recent graduate of a liberal arts college. "But after that it starts to even out a little bit."
But even after college, some limits remain.
"I would definitely date someone who is a couple years younger or a couple years older. But younger is also creepy-like my roommate who started dating a girl in Spain who was 16 when he was 23. His whole thing was 'she's an old soul, I'm a young soul,' but no. It's weird," Luke said.
For most people, personal rules for age differences in relationships come down to context and purpose. Motives for choosing a younger or older mate fluctuate greatly depending on the individual, but the most widespread view is that younger partners serve as status symbols while older partners offer sexual experience, greater intellect or wealth.
However, recent graduates interviewed on the subject find these assumptions to be too cynical. Most claim that prescribing a formula for acceptable age difference is impossible and unnecessarily pragmatic; the most important criterion is to find an organic connection with another human being.
"You want to find someone who's in a similar place in life," Luke declared.
And if you're serious about finding the right person, that place may just be a few years in the past or future, no matter if you're an old soul, a young soul or whatever Ashton Kutcher is.
*Some names have been changed or withheld at the request of the interviewees.
Scarcely have the seats in the auditorium emptied before we realize that the rhetoric surrounding graduation is perhaps a tad utopian. The daydreams of walking into a job and an apartment the day after graduation are shattered and we have to start focusing on the realities of searching for the things we always assumed would just fall into our laps.
But while we're striving to reach these concrete goals, less tangible changes are taking place in the way we perceive the people around us and ourselves. One such change that has recently evolved into a pop culture phenomenon is age disparity in romantic relationships.
 Media Credit: Flash-screen Ignorance Is Bliss |
Age disparity has long been a relatively common characteristic of romances spanning across many centuries and cultures. Queen Elizabeth I courted the Earl of Essex when she was 53 and he was only 26. In his twenties, Napoleon fell in love with Josephine, a woman six years his elder. These disparities are not limited to heterosexual relationships. In ancient Greece, for example, the homosexual practice of pederasty was widely accepted. Greek pederasty was a unique relationship that was both sexual and pedagogical in nature, with older male teachers engaging younger men in intellectual and erotic activities.
In the modern era, these age-gap relationships abound. Famous couples such as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (an age difference of 15 years), Billy Joel and Katie Lee Joel (32 years), Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas (25 years) and Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (22 years) have helped solidify the age-gap relationship as a conventional social fixture. In fact, significant age differences in romantic endeavors have become almost chic.
"Prescribing a formula for acceptable age difference is impossible and unnecessarily pragmatic; the most important criterion is to find an organic connection with another human being."
For evidence, one need look no further than the recent entry of the word "cougar" into the popular vernacular, as well as the corresponding boom in "cougar conventions," where older women congregate to celebrate what CougarConvention.com calls the "not-done-at-40 lifestyle." Indeed, according to the National Association of Retired Persons, nearly one-third of women between the ages of 40 and 60 are dating younger men.
When surveyed for this article, current university students and recent graduates did not agree on what constitutes an appropriate age difference in romantic relationships, but all agreed that some form of an age-gap is acceptable.
"Age differences of more than a couple years even through college is a little weird," says Luke,* a recent graduate of a liberal arts college. "But after that it starts to even out a little bit."
But even after college, some limits remain.
"I would definitely date someone who is a couple years younger or a couple years older. But younger is also creepy-like my roommate who started dating a girl in Spain who was 16 when he was 23. His whole thing was 'she's an old soul, I'm a young soul,' but no. It's weird," Luke said.
For most people, personal rules for age differences in relationships come down to context and purpose. Motives for choosing a younger or older mate fluctuate greatly depending on the individual, but the most widespread view is that younger partners serve as status symbols while older partners offer sexual experience, greater intellect or wealth.
However, recent graduates interviewed on the subject find these assumptions to be too cynical. Most claim that prescribing a formula for acceptable age difference is impossible and unnecessarily pragmatic; the most important criterion is to find an organic connection with another human being.
"You want to find someone who's in a similar place in life," Luke declared.
And if you're serious about finding the right person, that place may just be a few years in the past or future, no matter if you're an old soul, a young soul or whatever Ashton Kutcher is.
*Some names have been changed or withheld at the request of the interviewees.
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