Calling All Cougars!
An Inside Look at the Los Angeles Cougar Convention
Linni Kral
Issue date: 3/5/10 Section: True Story
A few months ago, Ashley and I found ourselves in Beverly Hills at the Crowne Plaza Hotel, flashing a press pass to enter the annual Los Angeles Cougar Convention.
And yes, that is exactly what it sounds like.
Below I present to you a chronology of the evening, because only a logical progression of factual highlights could come close to conveying the overwhelming amount of strange we were subjected to that rainy November night. Hopefully the structure will bring some clarity to a night my brain has tried very hard to forget-the image of wrinkly fake breasts sausaged into spandex and thrust upon the 20-something giddy male masses is one I'd sooner forget. But in the spirit of journalism, and because we find it imperative that people become aware of the existence of these events, I will press on.
8:15 p.m.-Things in the elevator bay seemed pretty tame as we made the ascent, press pass gripped anxiously in hand.
8:25-After passing the media booth, down a hallway en route to the dance floor, a woman accosted us with a vibrating foam ball, attempting to rub it on me while offering up the coos and purrs of a salesperson trying to push a product on you. Soon enough, I glanced up from the buzzing ball and got my bearings-we'd stopped at the sex toy table. We had a little fun rubbing the foamy thing on the random men passing by-it was mostly men entering the convention hall-and the saleswomen took turns aiming the ball at the men's nether regions. But this got old pretty quickly, so we took our goodie bags and proceeded to the main event.
8:40-In the convention hall, it was tough to take in the scene without being overwhelmed by the TV crews and camera flashes casting blinding reflections off the sparkly attire most of the "cougar" women wore. The room had rows of chairs down the center facing a small stage and podium and a cash bar in the corner.
8:43-In front of the bar, a tiny woman named Renee in a clinging cheetah-print dress tapped her microphone and started to corral the flirting attendants into two straight lines, with men on one side facing women on the other. This was the start of the speed-dating portion of the evening, an ice-breaker intended to get several folks acquainted with each other in a short amount of time. This game of musical chairs involved pairing one woman with one man, letting them talk for one minute, then yelling "CHANGE!" At that point, everyone moved down one spot to their next potential love connection.
And to hear Renee tell it, this method of introduction has resulted in thousands of actual love connections. I'll believe that when I see it.
8:50-We could only handle so much of the awkward dating ritual in the main room. The overwhelming majority of people in attendance were male, forcing the cheetah-clad facilitator to bounce back and forth to make conversation with the male players with no one to talk to. She had asked us to join in five times before I decided I'd shot enough photos and had better escape to the hallway.
"We found two young men, one who claimed to be interested in older women only for sex and the other who claimed to want an older women who would let him 'pick her kids up from soccer practice.'"
8:55-After perusing the sex toy table for another minute, we struck up conversation with one of the saleswomen, Rhonda. This proved to be one of the highlights of the evening as we listened to her describe her unconventional dating practices. Rhonda is an admitted and proud swinger who will talk your ear off on her beliefs about monogamy, cougars and even raising her kids within her unique set of sexual beliefs.
9:15-Back in the convention hall, we started asking the young men what they thought of the event. Most were unwilling to admit they were there to meet women, most saying that they came with friends or on a dare from their friends. The general consensus was that the women were looking to have a little fun for the night, while the men were at first embarrassed by my inquiry, then quick to claim they were only there as a joke.
9:30-Everyone took seats in the convention hall for the most formal portion of the evening-the keynote speaker, L.A. Talk Radio show host and syndicated columnist Lucia, who has appeared on everything from the Tyra Banks Show to Playboy Radio. Her speech was prefaced by a performance from Unique Monique of her original song, "The Cougars and Cubs Dense Mix," also known to attendants of the convention as "Cradle Robbers." The faces in the crowd were a mix of entertained laughter and awkward discomfort as Monique sang off-key and twirled her red boa, capping off the odd performance with a shameless promo for an organization to stop the declawing of cats, because "we all need our claws-we're cougars, after all!"
It got a little less awkward when the keynote speaker took the stage. This blonde cougar had her curves in all the right places, though she was clearly getting on in years. After dropping a few cheesy puns and jokes that elicited a chuckle from a handful of audience members, she proceeded to single-handedly offend any women below the age of 40 in the room (which may have just been myself and Ashley, but still).
Her speech counted the top reasons to date a cougar, most of which were based on false negative assumptions about young women. In summation, Lucia stated that cougars are desirable because they don't want your money, your hand in marriage or to have your babies. They are also easy to talk to because they "understand you more" and are better lovers because of their experience.
While I can't comment on the validity of the last reason, I think I can speak for many women below 40 when I say that we do not all want babies, marriage or money from the men we date. We want love, or a best friend-which brings me to this claim of older women being more understanding. Say what you will about self-centered people in general, but you cannot make the claim that all young women are incapable of understanding or relating to a man. A good relationship is based on mutual understanding, friendship and trust. Age doesn't always bring those things.
10:15-After that speech, we went into the hall seeking validation from the young men, looking for someone to say that they don't actually think these things about young women. What we found were two young men, one who claimed to be interested in older women only for sex (Nima, 24), and his friend Dave, 22, who claimed to want an older women who would let him "pick her kids up from soccer practice." The latter said he was sick of the petty drama younger women bring. He was looking for someone comfortable and confident, with her own job and life to worry about. This man, and many of the men we spoke to, emphasized the "no more drama" line when explaining why they seek out older women.
11:00-The men had been given coins upon entering, and throughout the night they were instructed to give their coin to who they believed should be "Miss Cougar California." The candidate had to be over the age of 40 and would win a spot on the world's first International Cougar Cruise, which departed from San Diego on December 4, 2009. Come 11 p.m., the crown was placed upon the styled French twist of a glamorous brunette woman with mouse-like facial features named Tinna Alvarado, who had clearly come to the event with this goal in mind.
11:30-Lo and behold, the "no more drama" claim was put to the test shortly after the announcement of the winner. Miss Cougar Second-Place, a tall blond bombshell in a sparkly gold dress with far too many fake-tanning sessions under her belt, approached Alvarado in the hall, directly challenging her candidacy and methods for winning the crown. What followed was a bona fide cat fight, seriously jeopardizing this idea that older women bring less drama to their lives.
12:00-After the women were pried from each other's throats, the crowd relocated to the entry table, where the event leaders were sitting down with Alvarado to view her license to confirm her status as a 40 year old. Apparently she had just had her 40th birthday and was allowed to keep her crown, but that didn't address the runner-up's claim that she had been given coins by a woman who decided to leave the event early. The supposed coin-giver reappeared later, but declined to comment on the situation.
12:30-Sitting at the front tables while Ashley interviewed Alvarado, I couldn't help but notice how few couples were leaving together. One set that seemed pretty matched in age claimed to be booking a hotel room in this very building, but who's to say what happened after they entered the elevator. We spoke to another older South African woman in a sparkly purple coat and black boots who said she'd made a young friend, but was slightly disappointed that he didn't want to go home with her.
This all made me wonder if Alvarado really deserved her title-is a true cougar someone who looks hot at an older age? Or someone who is really willing to make a connection with someone outside their age bracket? Just then, I tuned into Ashley's interview to hear this: "I spent most of the night collecting coins from cute guys, rather than getting to know them," Alvarado said. "I did, after all, come with the intention of winning the crown and the cruise."
Now, I can't be sure if that blond runner-up spent the night any differently, but perhaps the crown really did end up in the wrong hands.
Alas. Better luck next year.
And yes, that is exactly what it sounds like.
Below I present to you a chronology of the evening, because only a logical progression of factual highlights could come close to conveying the overwhelming amount of strange we were subjected to that rainy November night. Hopefully the structure will bring some clarity to a night my brain has tried very hard to forget-the image of wrinkly fake breasts sausaged into spandex and thrust upon the 20-something giddy male masses is one I'd sooner forget. But in the spirit of journalism, and because we find it imperative that people become aware of the existence of these events, I will press on.
8:15 p.m.-Things in the elevator bay seemed pretty tame as we made the ascent, press pass gripped anxiously in hand.
8:25-After passing the media booth, down a hallway en route to the dance floor, a woman accosted us with a vibrating foam ball, attempting to rub it on me while offering up the coos and purrs of a salesperson trying to push a product on you. Soon enough, I glanced up from the buzzing ball and got my bearings-we'd stopped at the sex toy table. We had a little fun rubbing the foamy thing on the random men passing by-it was mostly men entering the convention hall-and the saleswomen took turns aiming the ball at the men's nether regions. But this got old pretty quickly, so we took our goodie bags and proceeded to the main event.
8:40-In the convention hall, it was tough to take in the scene without being overwhelmed by the TV crews and camera flashes casting blinding reflections off the sparkly attire most of the "cougar" women wore. The room had rows of chairs down the center facing a small stage and podium and a cash bar in the corner.
8:43-In front of the bar, a tiny woman named Renee in a clinging cheetah-print dress tapped her microphone and started to corral the flirting attendants into two straight lines, with men on one side facing women on the other. This was the start of the speed-dating portion of the evening, an ice-breaker intended to get several folks acquainted with each other in a short amount of time. This game of musical chairs involved pairing one woman with one man, letting them talk for one minute, then yelling "CHANGE!" At that point, everyone moved down one spot to their next potential love connection.
And to hear Renee tell it, this method of introduction has resulted in thousands of actual love connections. I'll believe that when I see it.
8:50-We could only handle so much of the awkward dating ritual in the main room. The overwhelming majority of people in attendance were male, forcing the cheetah-clad facilitator to bounce back and forth to make conversation with the male players with no one to talk to. She had asked us to join in five times before I decided I'd shot enough photos and had better escape to the hallway.
"We found two young men, one who claimed to be interested in older women only for sex and the other who claimed to want an older women who would let him 'pick her kids up from soccer practice.'"
8:55-After perusing the sex toy table for another minute, we struck up conversation with one of the saleswomen, Rhonda. This proved to be one of the highlights of the evening as we listened to her describe her unconventional dating practices. Rhonda is an admitted and proud swinger who will talk your ear off on her beliefs about monogamy, cougars and even raising her kids within her unique set of sexual beliefs.
9:15-Back in the convention hall, we started asking the young men what they thought of the event. Most were unwilling to admit they were there to meet women, most saying that they came with friends or on a dare from their friends. The general consensus was that the women were looking to have a little fun for the night, while the men were at first embarrassed by my inquiry, then quick to claim they were only there as a joke.
9:30-Everyone took seats in the convention hall for the most formal portion of the evening-the keynote speaker, L.A. Talk Radio show host and syndicated columnist Lucia, who has appeared on everything from the Tyra Banks Show to Playboy Radio. Her speech was prefaced by a performance from Unique Monique of her original song, "The Cougars and Cubs Dense Mix," also known to attendants of the convention as "Cradle Robbers." The faces in the crowd were a mix of entertained laughter and awkward discomfort as Monique sang off-key and twirled her red boa, capping off the odd performance with a shameless promo for an organization to stop the declawing of cats, because "we all need our claws-we're cougars, after all!"
It got a little less awkward when the keynote speaker took the stage. This blonde cougar had her curves in all the right places, though she was clearly getting on in years. After dropping a few cheesy puns and jokes that elicited a chuckle from a handful of audience members, she proceeded to single-handedly offend any women below the age of 40 in the room (which may have just been myself and Ashley, but still).
Her speech counted the top reasons to date a cougar, most of which were based on false negative assumptions about young women. In summation, Lucia stated that cougars are desirable because they don't want your money, your hand in marriage or to have your babies. They are also easy to talk to because they "understand you more" and are better lovers because of their experience.
 Media Credit: Linni Kral Cougar Cat Fight |
10:15-After that speech, we went into the hall seeking validation from the young men, looking for someone to say that they don't actually think these things about young women. What we found were two young men, one who claimed to be interested in older women only for sex (Nima, 24), and his friend Dave, 22, who claimed to want an older women who would let him "pick her kids up from soccer practice." The latter said he was sick of the petty drama younger women bring. He was looking for someone comfortable and confident, with her own job and life to worry about. This man, and many of the men we spoke to, emphasized the "no more drama" line when explaining why they seek out older women.
11:00-The men had been given coins upon entering, and throughout the night they were instructed to give their coin to who they believed should be "Miss Cougar California." The candidate had to be over the age of 40 and would win a spot on the world's first International Cougar Cruise, which departed from San Diego on December 4, 2009. Come 11 p.m., the crown was placed upon the styled French twist of a glamorous brunette woman with mouse-like facial features named Tinna Alvarado, who had clearly come to the event with this goal in mind.
11:30-Lo and behold, the "no more drama" claim was put to the test shortly after the announcement of the winner. Miss Cougar Second-Place, a tall blond bombshell in a sparkly gold dress with far too many fake-tanning sessions under her belt, approached Alvarado in the hall, directly challenging her candidacy and methods for winning the crown. What followed was a bona fide cat fight, seriously jeopardizing this idea that older women bring less drama to their lives.
12:00-After the women were pried from each other's throats, the crowd relocated to the entry table, where the event leaders were sitting down with Alvarado to view her license to confirm her status as a 40 year old. Apparently she had just had her 40th birthday and was allowed to keep her crown, but that didn't address the runner-up's claim that she had been given coins by a woman who decided to leave the event early. The supposed coin-giver reappeared later, but declined to comment on the situation.
12:30-Sitting at the front tables while Ashley interviewed Alvarado, I couldn't help but notice how few couples were leaving together. One set that seemed pretty matched in age claimed to be booking a hotel room in this very building, but who's to say what happened after they entered the elevator. We spoke to another older South African woman in a sparkly purple coat and black boots who said she'd made a young friend, but was slightly disappointed that he didn't want to go home with her.
This all made me wonder if Alvarado really deserved her title-is a true cougar someone who looks hot at an older age? Or someone who is really willing to make a connection with someone outside their age bracket? Just then, I tuned into Ashley's interview to hear this: "I spent most of the night collecting coins from cute guys, rather than getting to know them," Alvarado said. "I did, after all, come with the intention of winning the crown and the cruise."
Now, I can't be sure if that blond runner-up spent the night any differently, but perhaps the crown really did end up in the wrong hands.
Alas. Better luck next year.
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